I’ve been an adult now for 7 years, 2 months, and 26 days. I have one word to describe every second that has passed so far: MESSY. My life is a big, happy, sad, and in-between mess. There is no order, no clear direction, and no obvious light at the end of this dark, responsibility-filled tunnel. The worst part? I made this mess.
Today, as I was thinking about this stupid thing called adulthood, I wondered why I am so stunted. Why are my finances such a wreck? Why don’t I have a degree yet? Why am I living in a less than ideal, but cheap little room instead of my Pinterest-inspired dream apartment? Why don’t I have a puppy? Why don’t I have friends who want to hang out all the time? Why don’t I have a boyfriend? Why can’t I afford to keep gas in my car or food in my tiny cabinet? And why on earth am I the only one who seems to be struggling?!?!
It was a humbling moment when I sat down and answered myself.
Me.
Sure, rough times happen, but there is no one to blame but myself. I spent too much money at World Market and that’s why I am not eating dinner tonight. I slacked off in school and blamed it on “lack of support” and now I don’t have a degree. I am terrible at saving money and that’s why I now share a teeny-tiny house with a family, 2 cats, a bird, a hamster, and a corn snake. I have eliminated my privilege to choose a privileged life-style. Up until now I had somehow made myself believe that I would still be ok and come out on top even if I made bad decisions. Really, I think I convinced myself that my choices weren’t so bad. Today I woke up.
This alarm clock in no way cleans up any of my mess. Not in the least. I still have a negative balance in my bank account, no gas in my car, a flat tire on my bike, and a living space that makes me want to pitch a tent in the woods. But I also have a best friend who just got engaged, an interview with the Peace Corps, an incredible, though part-time, job at the Virginia Zoo, and a happy garden. Like I said, a mess. But it is my mess. I have to claim it. I have to clean it. I have to stop blaming others for it and I have to stop asking God when am I going to be ok? God gave me the ability to decide. He gave me a brain that can say “NO” to World Market and “yes” to breakfast, lunch, and dinner.
It all seems so silly when I bundle all my bad choices together. I need to overcome the desire for privilege. I want to be able to say yes to spending money on cute things; I want to drive my car; I want to eat out at that dimly lit and overpriced hipster restaurant; I want a cool phone that can do everything short of fly me to the Moon. You know how many of those things I need? Yea, none. I need stability. I need balance. I need food. And it has taken me waaaaaaaay too long to figure this out. I’m sure it has always been in the back of my head but was always overpowered by my desire for style and an easy life.
Well, now I am trying to sell most of what I own and am working 3 jobs that high-schoolers could probably get. I’m riding my bike 13 miles to get to work. This lesson is being learned. And that’s all I can do right now. Wallow and learn. Cry a little, throw a pity party, and then keep learning. Put some plants in the ground, hop on my bike, and learn a little more.
FlyAwayNina 