2013 was a dead end. There’s no better way to say it. There were highs, sure, but mostly life kind of just fell apart on me. The year ended in the worst heartbreak I’ve ever experienced. It was the kind of heartbreak that changes who you are. It wasn’t just the boy that broke me but school and finances too. Not to mention all three of these happened in the same week. At the end of that week I thought my future was over. Scratch that, for the last 3 months I’ve thought my future was over. Everything I wanted and thought I could achieve was gone. The perfect guy – nope. A degree within a decent amount of time – nope. Rent and other bills paid on time – ha, no.
I was done. My soul was small and my confidence was spent. I was extremely lonely and had nowhere to go. The worst part was that each of these broken things were my fault in one way or another. Especially school. I was angry. It is one thing to process pain when it isn’t your fault but to know that it was my own choices that got me here, well, it only made me ache deeper. I didn’t even want to talk to anyone because I knew it was my fault. I kept it in as a sort of punishment for making such bad decisions.
Now, I know these problems are small compared to what others go through. Trust me, I do know this. But is this a reason to belittle myself and ignore the prospect of healing? Never. The one piece of advice that I got from two people was something that I will keep with me forever. Its ok to be sad and angry. Its ok to throw things and wail and cry. When you lose something, mourn that thing. Heck, don’t even be graceful about it. Just do it. Heal. Let the process happen. “You were made for more” but you can’t get to the “more” part until you get past this part.
So that’s what I’ve done. I’ve tried to hold it in but instead I’ve just decided to throw things and cry. A quote that appears in my Pinterest feed every so often says “You will find that it is necessary to let things go simply for the reason that they are heavy.” I find this to be quite true. Once I realized that there was nothing I could do to change the events of that week from Hades I still held on. I was doomed and deserved the weight.
But, well, that’s not really true. “You were made for more,” she said. More. Life will not be what I planned, but it will be more than this. So, I decided to take a break and try a do-over.
I need to fall in love with life again. So I am leaving all these things that remind me of heartbreak and I’m heading out West. I’m actually not sure where at this point but a friend told me about this thing called WWOOF. It’s a network of organic farms that host volunteers. In exchange for labor the volunteer gets free room and board. Sounds awesome. So, that’s what I’m trying to do for the next few months. I want to learn more about things I love, like growing food, hiking, sustainability, being outdoors, and animals. I’ve dreamed of going to the Grand Canyon so that’s why I chose to head West. I leave in March and I have no clue what will come after. I do plan to get back in school, don’t worry! But I am not going to limit my experiences just to finish in a more traditional time frame.
Once I let go, I mean really let go, I realized that there is nothing here for me. I have no other logical place to go so I’m making up the steps to my own dance. I’m moving forward. My hope is that I heal and grow. I pray that I can find faith in a new way. I’m terrified of what’s next. I’ve gone out on a limb before but I’ve always had a plan B and usually C and D close behind. This time I have no reserves, just hope. I’m afraid to fail again and make more wrong choices. But forward is the only place I have left to go.
So, here I go.
FlyAwayNina 