It has been about 7 weeks since I tried to move to England. It has also been about 7 weeks since I had faith in anything. I’m frozen in a place of loneliness, brokenness and listlessness. Last night was the first time I have felt energized in, well, 7 weeks. I went to church. I sat in a room with people my age and realized we’re all trying to figure things out. I felt less lonely. Though some had more figured out than others and a whole lot more figured out than me, none of us are where we will be in 10 years. I’m still just not sure if I have room for faith right now. Church was great but not because I “felt” God, it was because I was surrounded by happy people. The things that stopped me from going to England were not lack of drive or motivation or passion, they were logistics and not having enough paperwork. Was that God saying hold up or was that my incompetence slamming the brakes on my future? Let’s be honest. I don’t have a degree and all my experience is short term. England was a huge step forward. It was a chance for some longer term community development experience. My dream future feels further away than ever. So, I don’t have faith. I have worry and half-filled job applications at grocery stores and retail outlets.
About 7 weeks ago I had faith. I had faith in a future. I had faith that things would move forward. I had faith in myself. I even had a little faith that God was still holding me.
None of these are particularly wrong or bad but they are incomplete. My plans to leave my worries behind and finally start my life were incomplete. I’ve spent the last 7 weeks picking up broken pieces of myself and putting them on a shelf. I’ve had little energy or motivation to do much else. I started reading adventure books just so I could feel the thrill that I was so close to experiencing for myself. I read about a man who walked the entire length of the Amazon. I felt incredibly jealous and started asking friends if they wanted to go camping. I feel the same jealousy when I see friends living their dreams in far away places. That was supposed to be me. I’m supposed to be living my dream. Instead I’m stuck here, lost.
Maybe this seems petty. Of course I know there are worse things happening to better people, but I’m still alive. I still want to be happy. I hope this means that I allowed to grieve selfishly for just a little longer. I just want to sit still for just a little longer. I’m afraid to send those job applications because I still want something better. Maybe that’s faith. Maybe that’s all I got. Its supported by pride but maybe its something.
I heard a song the other day called Carry Your Will by the Mowgli’s. The bridge stopped me in my tracks and it is the title of this post. “Let your faith guide your faith.” The rest of the lyrics are pretty great too, but this part stood out the most to me. It makes me think of stepping forward. Not walking or running, but taking it slow. Letting my tiny bit of selfish faith in one thing guide me to faith in another bigger and more useful thing. And then letting it happen again. One baby faith-step at a time. Moving forward will come again and I hope it is as exciting as the last time.